Are You There?

You’re here now. There’s no avoiding it.
Where?
First step : Reminiscing and Retracting.
I don’t wanna get up.
That’s fine…You can lay here all day. You can cry all night. You’re allowed to do all the things you promised yourself you’d never do. Like listening to an old voicemail just to hear his voice or wish he’d message you just so you’d know he was thinking of you too. But, at the same time wish he wouldn’t because it would only make you miss him more. And you know you shouldn’t but…you text him maybe even call him..you fight it. But you lose. You watch the sappy room coms. It’s clise, but.. go ahead. Eat from the carton. 
I miss everything about him
What do you miss?
I miss it all
That’s okay. You’re allowed to. You’re supposed to. It’s okay to look like crap and not care. Who are you trying to impress anyway?
You see him?
Everywhere
Hey, it’s okay to purposely avoid all those places and things. You just wanna be alone. Your friends insist on taking you out but all you want is..
…to shut off the lights, carl up in bed, and…cry some more
Your friends try to help by saying “you can do so much better, I didn’t like him anyways”

I don’t want to hear any of that. It doesn’t help at all. I just…want him back in my life.
Or do you just miss the thought of him? You miss the routine, the comfort, that’s all, right? No. At this point. You just miss him. And That’s okay.

………………………..
Are you there?

Yeah
Do you want to get up?

Actually……I do. How long was I there?
It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’re ready.

For the next step?
Release

I think you can put some effort into looking sort a decent.

What does that entail?
Brushing your hair? Maybe a little eyeshadow. Call up one or two of your closest friends to catch up. You’re ready to talk a little bit about your ex. But this time with a clear head. You might see cute guys with your eyes but nothing stirs inside your heart. No butterflies, no sparks, no interest.

Because I still miss him.
You will for a while. But at least the urges to contact him or check up become less frequent. You just to learn to suppress those urges now.

How long will be I here?
As long as you need to be.
……………………………..
You’re up early!
I’m ready!
And the next step : Rebuilding

One day becomes two. Two becomes a week. Weeks becomes months and soon you’re ready to prove to yourself that you can live on. You actually want to go out. Socialize, meet new people, you talk, laugh, flirt or whatever you call what you just did. As long as you’re smiling again.
You start doing things towards the better version of you. Trying a fruit cleanse. Finally taking that trip to everywhere. Trying yoga for the first time. Running a marathon. Checking out a museum. Writing more.  You start to see life without him. But..when you write and you miss all moment with him suddenly.
We talking anything for hours and I can’t forgot him.
You’ ve made so much progress, dee..please.
I kept in my mind as a reminder of that night. That was almost one years ago. I thougt i was the one. We both did.
Yea….it did feel special

It was. And it always will be
Sometime, no matter how hard you try. Something can always hold you back from moving on. A lingering memory of false hope and you fall back a few steps but if you can be strong. You’ll finally make it out.

Renewad

The world is brighter, happier, lighter. That huge weight of pain and fear  has been lifted and all you feel is excitement. Excitement for what’s to come. Excitement for the possibilities. At this point it’s not even about finding another person to love. It’s about find who you are as a person. As a human.  It’s only when you don’t have to consider anyone else. That you can focus completely on your life. In creating the best possible version of yourself.


Jakarta, 17 Februari 2018